Updated: Dec 24, 2019
On November 11th, 2019 I made a decision that ultimately altered my reality. Back in 2011 I met a young man who would later become the father of my four beautiful children. Although I initially was not interested in him or the thought of being in a relationship, his persistence ultimately weighed me down into accepting his request to be his girlfriend. Being that I had recently been in a situationship that made me question myself as a woman, I went into this relationship with the idea that if I eventually wanted to be a wife I would have to act as a wife did. Since I personally knew ZERO successful marriages, I used what knowledge I gained from tv and societal ideas to dictate how a wife should be.
Focusing more on how I should act and less on how a partner should be to me, I completely missed Out on all the red flags that we’re presenting itself in the beginning of what would end up being a fight for my life. There was the blatant disrespect when it came to expressing my feelings, there was the lack of attention, the constant comparing to women who looked nothing like me, the constant degrading of my body when I was heavier and the lack of protection I felt with him in general. Oh and I completely ignored the first physical altercation we were involved in because I became so consumed in evaluating what it was that I did wrong to cause these incidents to occur.
Fast forward 8 years of toxicity, mental, physical, sexual, financial and emotional abuse I found myself sitting in the bathroom almost everyday crying my eyes out while trying to hide this immense depression from the four little lives I had created. But they felt it. They knew mommy wasn’t okay. They could tell by the pain in my eyes that I tried to smile through or the weak laughs or the tiring expressions that rested on my face when I got lost in thought. I was there but I wasn’t THERE. Many nights I would sit and wonder why? Was this the life I was supposed to live? Was this forever to be my reality? I was literally dying. I was the only one cooking, cleaning, going to dr. appointments, setting up schooling and WORKING. He didn’t contribute to anything. He would sit day in and day out playing video games, running the streets claiming he was trying to make a dollar only to come home with nothing or the bare minimum and when he would finally come home it would be the wee hours of the morning. He would disrupt the children’s sleep and it would be my job to usher them back to bed only to turn around and wake up to get them ready for school and daycare. It was exhausting. It’s exhausting to even write.
one day I decided enough was enough. I’d left before and would always find myself wrapped up in the false hopes that protruded from his lips, but this time around it was different. I felt different. I felt stronger. I realized my life didn’t have to be like this. I realized that I determined my reality not him. I no longer feared the unknown, I was ready to embrace it by any means necessary.
I meticulously packed up paperwork and reached out to reliable sources to plan my escape. Everything had to be done in silence. He couldn’t suspect a thing. And I did.
It has been a little over a month and although it has been very challenging managing myself and four children on my own, I have obtained a great support system and The Most High has yet to leave my side. on my toughest days I cry to him and on my best days I thank him immensely for his blessings. This journey is teaching me so much about myself that I pray to one day be able to pass these tools of self love down not only to my daughter but to young women everywhere.
Learn Yourself. Heal any childhood trauma that lingers.
Know your worth. And then add TAX.
peace and blessings,